I could have mohawked her pubes.
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
