Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Randomize
