Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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