all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
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My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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