I'm so fucking centered right now
Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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