He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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