It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
FUCK WHALES
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Randomize
