If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
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