My hand turned me down
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Randomize
