it hurts more in the daytime
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Randomize
