I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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