you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
