My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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