I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Randomize
