like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
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