I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
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Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
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Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
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