So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
God gave him joint rollers for hands
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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