Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
