oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
