Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
