Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
