I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
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