I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
