And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Randomize
