I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
