the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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