Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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