Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
