So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
