Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
it glows. i had to have it.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Randomize
