Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
