the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
