States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
