just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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