I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
