I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
Randomize
