K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Randomize
