You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
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