I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
