Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
