She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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