But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
