Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
