just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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