We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
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