capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
3pm strippers are depressing
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
