I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Randomize
