Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
