I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
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