she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Randomize
