I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
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