he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
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Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
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