I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
