Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
In other news, I just burned my penis
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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