New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
and you fell through a lawn chair
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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