Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
