come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
