im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
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