Four minutes until I can fart!
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
