Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
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