Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
